What should you do to help your kids respond to conflict?

Firstly, it can help to give kids time, and then explain, and then just listen. 

Try to think about and remember that you are probably on a different timetable to your children when it comes to healing from a separation. It may be that you have been grieving the end of your marriage for many months, or even years. But your kids have not. They may have been clueless about the relationship breakdown. 

So, your kids might need time to mourn and accept what’s happening to their family. 

You could also try to give your kids enough information about the separation to reduce any uncertainty about why it happened and what will happen in the future. This doesn’t mean you should sit down and have a long conversation with your kids. Instead, you could make this kind of talk flow more easily by doing another activity at the same time, like walking together or making dinner. If your kids are younger, you could play Lego together and talk then. You get the idea. When my kids were young, they used to have lots of conversations about the serious topics of their day when I was bathing them. 

Secondly, try to be amicable. If your relationship allows it, do your very best to maintain as amicable a relationship as possible with your ex. Even if your co-parent speaks negatively about you, you should not engage. You see, if you refuse to argue back or say negative things in response to your co-parent, they’ll probably get bored and the conflict will de-escalate. 

Thirdly, it’s essential that you keep a good support system. I have seen many of my clients lose what were once close social networks after divorce. This usually happens when you and your ex have had mutual friends who either drift away or take sides. As a separated parent, it’s so important to have friends or family members you can share your feelings with, instead of using your kids as your mini confidantes. Work to maintain your friendships. 

Encourage your kids to set up their own support networks. It can really help for them to have a friend they can confide in, especially someone who may have already been through divorce. 

Don’t forget to ease up on yourself, too. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Your kids need to know you are human. In the end, what’s most important for your kids is that they know they are loved by you and that you’ll always be there for them.