Doing your best to give your kids a ‘heads up’ before changes happen is key to helping them adjust to their new future. The more lead time they get, the better off they’ll be.
Help them adjust. If you’re moving homes, explore the new neighborhood together before the moving truck pulls up. Working at a new job? Take your kids to your new workplace or take photos and show them what you are doing and who you are working with. Spend time creating routines with your kids and have test runs before you need to rely on the routine to work smoothly.
Talk to your kids about:
By the way, don’t forget that separation is a time of change for you too. You might be setting up a new home, dividing furniture and belongings, or starting a new job or even a new relationship. Your kids will of course notice those big changes, but they will also notice even the smallest changes.
In around 2016 I took a call from a seriously stressed-out mum, Becky, who had recently separated from her lifelong partner, Suzanne.
Becky and Suzanne had a daughter called Siobhan. Although Becky and Suzanne had not been able to reach an agreement about their property settlement, they had managed to pull together a parenting plan, and their communication about the care of Siobhan was good.
Becky was calling me because she told me she needed help to finalise a property settlement. But as we began to speak, the conversation drifted to her daughter. Becky told me that although everything had been going well for Siobhan since separating, she had recently had a setback and was acting out at home. I talked to Becky about whether she had made any recent changes at home that might have impacted Siobhan. After working through a few options, Becky came to the realisation that she had very recently packed away all of the photographs that had included Suzanne from around the home.
We talked about how that simple act might be impacting Siobhan, and whether she had not been as ready as Becky to make that change.
Kids often feel anxious when they don’t know what to expect and they have not been prepared for a change. And too many changes at once can be overwhelming for them.
Take some time to reflect on these questions:
For your kids, sometimes change comes as a big surprise. And while some changes can feel exciting, others don’t feel like such a good idea. Changes can be scary because it’s hard to know what’s around the corner. In fact, lots of us like to keep things just the way they are, even if the way they are isn’t so great.
If you sense your kids’ reaction to a change is that it’s big or scary, talk to them about it. Together you can work out ways to make the change a little easier. Some questions that can help are:
This article is written by Bron O’Loan, Principal and Founder of O’Loan Family Law. If you have questions about how to work through separation with your kids, get in touch with us here.
About The Author - Bron O'Loan
Bron O’Loan is an Accredited Specialist in Family Law and Principal Director of O’Loan Family Law in Sydney. Admitted to practise in 2015, she has over 12 years of exclusive family law experience advising on separation, parenting disputes and complex property settlements. Bron holds a Master of Applied Law (Family Law) and is admitted to the Supreme Court of NSW and the High Court of Australia, providing strategic, commercially aware advice tailored to each family’s circumstances. |
*This post is an overview only and should not be considered as legal advice. If there are any matters that you would like us to advise you on, then please contact us.
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