In the early 2000s, Tamara Afifi, a professor in the Department of Communication at the University of California, Santa Barbara, began researching the impact of divorce on children. Fifteen years later, in 2017, she shared a powerful moment from her research that left a significant impression on her.
As part of her research, Tamara spent hours in families’ homes, interviewing them to understand the children’s perspectives. In one interview, she spoke with a 12-year-old boy whose parents were going through a divorce. His parents had shared with her that he was struggling in school and often complained of stomach pain. When Tamara asked him about his parents’ fighting, he quietly replied, “If I bring it up, it makes the fighting worse.”
This response is more common than we realize. Children often keep their emotions hidden, and parents may not always understand what their kids are truly feeling. As a result, parents might believe everything is fine, even when it’s not.
Children may suppress their emotions for several reasons. They may worry about upsetting their parents, feel too overwhelmed to share, or not know how to express what they’re feeling. When parental conflict creates a situation where children feel torn between their parents, it can significantly affect how well they cope with the divorce.
The stress from conflict can lead to anxiety, making some children align with one parent over the other to ease the “yucky feelings” they experience. This isn’t the child’s fault; it’s simply their response to feeling caught in the middle.
Kids react to parental conflict in different ways, and their responses can reflect how they’re coping with their own emotions.
Some kids try to ignore or suppress their feelings to protect their parents from guilt or sadness. While their intentions may be kind, this means parents may never know their children’s true feelings.
Another response is to express anger by lashing out at others. Children sometimes mimic the conflict they witness, directing aggression toward parents or others in their lives, often without understanding why they feel so angry.
A third response is for children to directly confront their parents about the impact of their arguments. While this is one of the healthiest ways to deal with conflict, it’s also the hardest. Younger kids often lack the maturity to voice their concerns, but as children become teenagers, they may start expressing themselves more openly.
As your kids reach their teenage years, they’ll likely become better at sharing their feelings and speaking directly to you and your co-parent. Some parents feel frustrated by the newfound assertiveness in their teens, but wouldn’t you rather hear directly from your children about what’s troubling them? Allowing them to speak up can give you valuable insight and help you respond in ways that support their emotional well-being.
Helping your children manage the impact of parental conflict during separation or divorce is crucial for their emotional health. If you’re concerned about how conflict may be affecting your children or need guidance on supporting them through this transition, O’Loan Family Law is here to assist.
We offer compassionate, effective guidance to help families reduce conflict and prioritize their children’s well-being. Book a free consultation with us today, and let’s work together to support your family through this challenging time.
About The Author - Bron O'Loan
Bron O’Loan is an Accredited Specialist in Family Law and Principal Director of O’Loan Family Law in Sydney. Admitted to practise in 2015, she has over 12 years of exclusive family law experience advising on separation, parenting disputes and complex property settlements. Bron holds a Master of Applied Law (Family Law) and is admitted to the Supreme Court of NSW and the High Court of Australia, providing strategic, commercially aware advice tailored to each family’s circumstances. |
*This post is an overview only and should not be considered as legal advice. If there are any matters that you would like us to advise you on, then please contact us.
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