As your family changes through separation or divorce, it’s crucial for kids to understand what’s happening. Don’t shy away from talking to them just because you don’t know what to say, or because you’re worried about upsetting them. The truth is, the separation is already on their minds. Sometimes, simply talking about it can be a huge relief.
That said, sometimes kids just don’t want to talk. You may be doing everything you can to support them, but they may still find it hard to open up. Your children might be worried about how expressing their feelings will affect you. They may fear that speaking up could:
So, how can you help your kids open up? There’s a fine line between pushing your kids to talk and encouraging them to share their thoughts. If it’s been a while since you’ve discussed things or you sense your children are holding something in, try starting a conversation. A casual setting, like a car ride or a walk, can make it easier. Here are some tips for getting started:
Let your kids know it’s okay to ask questions and talk about their feelings
Be ready to listen to whatever they have to say, even if it’s difficult.
Remind them that it’s okay to talk to someone else if they prefer.
Help them think of safe adults they can confide in, like grandparents, aunts, uncles, family friends, teachers, or counselors.
Ask for clarification if needed, but let them express themselves in their own words.
Let your kids know it’s okay to ask questions and talk about their feelings
Whatever they’re feeling is valid.
Repeating or paraphrasing what they’ve said can show them you understand.
Watch how your kids react to your listening style and be open to changing it if necessary.
We all lead busy lives, and it’s easy to let distractions get in the way. Have you ever found yourself in a conversation, physically present but not fully paying attention? It happens to all of us.
In my own family life, I know how easily listening can slip away between doing the dishes and checking my phone. When your kids are opening up to you, put down your phone, take a breath, and really focus on what they’re saying. These precious moments can happen at unexpected times, so try not to miss them.
Change takes time, and your children will need space to adjust. Instead of waiting for a crisis to occur, make a habit of regularly checking in with your kids. Set aside 20 minutes a day or a couple of times a week to truly touch base and see how they’re feeling. Choose a time free from distractions—no phones, no TV, and no other engagements.
When listening to your children, it’s important to resist the urge to “fix” everything right away. Sometimes, kids just need to be heard. When they express something that hurts, it’s natural to want to solve the problem or offer advice. But what your children need most is to feel understood, not necessarily to have everything solved in the moment.
Being a good listener also means managing your own reactions. Your children need to know they can express themselves to you without worrying about how you’ll respond. They won’t want to talk about sensitive issues if they think you’ll get upset or rush in to fix everything.
Listen to your children with focus and an open mind. When you truly understand how they feel, your responses will better align with what they need from you.
Talking to your children about separation or divorce is never easy, but it’s essential to help them feel safe and understood. By practicing good listening habits and checking in with them regularly, you create an environment where they can express themselves freely.
If you’re finding these conversations challenging or if you’re worried about how the changes in your family are affecting your children, O’Loan Family Law is here to support you. We specialize in family law and can provide you with the guidance you need to navigate these sensitive issues.
Book a free consultation with us today, and let’s work together to ensure your family stays connected through these changes.
About The Author - Bron O'Loan
Bron O’Loan is an Accredited Specialist in Family Law and Principal Director of O’Loan Family Law in Sydney. Admitted to practise in 2015, she has over 12 years of exclusive family law experience advising on separation, parenting disputes and complex property settlements. Bron holds a Master of Applied Law (Family Law) and is admitted to the Supreme Court of NSW and the High Court of Australia, providing strategic, commercially aware advice tailored to each family’s circumstances. |
*This post is an overview only and should not be considered as legal advice. If there are any matters that you would like us to advise you on, then please contact us.
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